DANNY DEVITO...THE "FUN DRUNK"

So Danny Devito comes on "The View" liquored up like a boyscout leaving a Neverland slumber party, and today they describe him as a "fun drunk". Yeah, he's funny like Mel Gibson when he gets all hopped up on the felony juice. He was rambling on about a past visit to the Whitehouse back when it had "that Clinton feeling". I've never been to the Whitehouse but I would have to assume he's taking about that classy feeling you get in an hourly rate motel. He went on and on about him and his wife "utilizing" every area of the Lincoln bedroom. Who knew thats where they keep the presidential step-stool collection...Then to top it off he calls the current President numb nuts. Whoo that's hysterical, I can't stop laughing because he's so funny. Too bad he wasn't bigger, then he could be a bigger idiot...

NANCY PELOSI,

THIS IS YOUR BUTT AND THIS IS A HOLE IN THE GROUND. PLEASE STUDY HARD AND FIGURE OUT WHICH IS WHICH BEFORE WE'RE ALL IN HOLES IN THE GROUND, YOU IGNORANT BUFFOON.

Great news out of the middle east today. I saw on CNN where, according to house speaker Nancy Pelosi, there is no Al-Qaeda in Iraq. Well I don't know about you but that's a huge relief for me. Those terrorists were getting to be a little annoying. The puzzling part was she went on to say she was dissapointed in "George Bushs' Iraq". Did I miss something? Did Bush finally break down and buy that dump? I didn't know it was his. And besides, if there really is no Al-Qaeda there, he's clearly done a top notch job of driving the weaslly illegitmates out of there. I mean, everybody with a pea for a brain, who's not smoking "I'm the new speaker of the house" crack, knows the place was chock-full of them up until ummm, today I guess. Probably she's already planning a nice parade and marking the calendar as George W. Bush day. Probably...

DENNIS MILLER

So I spent the weekend in Louisville with my cousins JoeCool, Ssssteve, and Pinhead. Every time I hang out with those guys I get homesick. Guess that's better than getting arrested... Probably everyone already knows this, but we were watching some show and Dennis Miller was commenting and actually making sense. I guess every since 9-11 he has become somewhat of a conservative. I've always thought he was funny and loved his old weekend update thing. Anyway, I've been reading quotes all day and laughing til my face hurts. Thought I'd share my top five that I can post for a family audience (yes both of you). Ladies and gentlemen...Dennis Miller

5."Online search engine leader Google has unveiled a new feature that will enable its users to zoom in on homes and businesses using satellite images. It's really the perfect service for the stalker or terrorist on a budget."

4."Britney Spears announced on her website this week that she and husband Kevin Federline are expecting a child. . .Spears says she hopes that the baby is just like Federline, except a lot less dependent on her."

3."There's no doubt about it, show business lures the people who didn't get enough love, attention, or approval early in life and have grown up to become bottomless, gaping vessels of terrifying, abject need. Please laugh."

2."On Tuesday, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales urged lawmakers to make permanent all 15 expiring provisions of the Patriot Act. Gonzalez claims that the government has never used the Patriot Act's power of secret warrants to obtain library, bookstore, medical, or gun store records. So if you're a terrorist bookworm with colon polyps who loves AK-47's, this is your day."

1."Hey folks, let's cut to the chase on illegal immigration. A recent study shows that the number of illegal immigrants in this country jumped to 11 million over the past few years, which basically means if our nation's borders were any more violated, they'd be guests at Neverland Ranch."

Kinda gives me hope for Norm Macdonald...

PAUL THORN

"I HAVE A GOOD DAY EVERY NOW AND THEN"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bk3WLyVQ9rM

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

My theme song the last couple of years is by a guy named Paul Thorn. The chorus says "I have a good day every now and then/I count my blessings on one hand/I start believing the sun will shine again/I have a good day every now and then". But on Thanksgiving eve I find myself thinking of all the the things I'm thankful for, and it's a lot more than on one hand, but here's my top five.

1. The Good Lord still loves me even when I don't always know why.

2. I don't want to say my familys more awesome than yours, but well, they are...

3. My dog jumps up and down like it's Christmas morning every time I come home.

4. I live in a country where I can do and be whatever I want, if I find enough motivation...

5. You can still catch a break as a songwriter long after you're too old to be the artist...and the songwriters get paid first.

NOW IT'S SATURDAY...

Yeah, I think I've set a new low for lame titles. Truth is, I've been too lazy to post much as of late and I'm way low on good ideas. That, and I spend far too much time on myspace feeding my unfeigned narcissism. I do get a kick out of people on there that post messages for Alan Jackson to come to their site and check out their music. Does anybody really think that Alan Jackson rolls out of bed first thing in the morning and thinks, man I've got to go check and see if I have any new friends I can help on myspace? The music business sucks too. I mean, if you spent 15 years trying to become a doctor, eventually they'd let you be one even if you weren't that good. Oh well, there's always tomorrow. I just can't believe Alan Jackson hasn't written me back yet...

SO IT'S WEDNESDAY

No seriously, that's about all I have for today. Still trying to find my usual sense of optimism after the nightmare of an election we just witnessed. So I'm thinking today, I think I need to go to a gun safety class and get a carry permit. Wouldn't that be ironic. I feel a little unprotected with a bunch of day-dreaming hippies, who seem to believe that the President is our biggest enemy, running the security of my country. So by their own lack of making me feel like they know who to look out for, they put one more redneck with a gun under his coat out on the street. Yep, that sounds like a plan...

HAPPY VETERANS DAY!

And a special thanks to all those serving and the ones who have served before. Real Americans appreciate your sacrifices and couldn't be more proud of you. Oh, and we know you're not stupid too...

WHAT??? WHERE ARE WE GOING, AND WHY ARE WE IN THIS GIANT HANDBASKET?

Wow, talk about winning a battle and losing a war... So we got our real Republican voted in here, over the Democrat in sheeps clothes, but apparently everywhere else across the country the good people woke up, ate a giant bowl of idiot flakes, and washed it down with a tall glass of "lets flush America down the toilet" juice. Unbelievable. And to those geniuses that voted Democrat so there would be "checks and balances", let me break it down for you like this. That's about as brainy as hiring one pedophile per day care center so that one group of kids isn't more likely to get molested than another. Sadly, the real losers aren't Republicans or Conservatives. It's Americans across the board. With the best of intentions (maybe) they have handed over a huge amount of power to a bunch of spineless flower children that have done nothing to convince me that they think this country is the greatest country in the world. They don't believe it's worth fighting for or defending, and that's not what I generally look for in leadership, but thats just me... Oh, and if you didn't already think that CNN was part of the "get Democrat votes machine", did you notice anything missing there today? Yep, you got it, not one word about meth and gay sex with televangelists. I guess the story isn't relevant when you've already won. Hmmm. Imagine that.

So on the bright side, I think if I have any money left from the coming tax increases, I'll start looking for some land out in the desert where I can hole up and wait out the next 9-11 after Homeland Security goes to crap. I should be able to make a pretty good living working at Taco Bell once the minimum wage is up to $30 an hour and if not, maybe there will be some entitlements for an unknown singer/songwriter. They do love "the arts" you know...

ELECTION DAY

So I got up an hour early to go vote today. As those who know me can attest, it takes quite a lot to get me up early for anything. Still waiting to see how our senate race turns out but at least the annoying ads are over... We basically had a democrat trying to out-conservative the republican. It occured to me standing in the 40 min. line that if Harold Ford really believed all the things he said while he was campaigning (pro-life, pro-guns, for smaller government, lower taxes, homeland security, loves Jesus more than republicans...) he couldn't really fundamentally be a democrat in the first place. But thats just me...we'll see.

WHY AM I SUCH A HATER???

So, I'm driving home tonight and I'm following a car with a bumper sticker that said "I support the separation of church and hate". From the other various other stickers, I assume the driver of the car was a supporter of gay marriage. So I'm asking myself, why does somebody come to the conclusion that because I fundamentally disagree with them that I hate them? When I was married, the wife and I went out to dinner with an old friend of hers and his "life partner" we had a blast sharing stories about a particular theme park that we had all worked at at different times. They didn't make out at the table and we didn't either. Everybody got along just fine. Why is it that if you are pro-life you're assumed to be an abortion clinic picketing hater? In my own circle of friends I know four couples that have had the opportunity to become a family through adopting kids. I don't hate people that have had abortions, I just don't think it's the best choice. On a side note, why doesn't the "keep your laws off my body" mantra work for he ladies that are willing to rent out the interesting parts?...just a hypothetical...really. The only conclusion I've come to is that the left only see's right wingers as they see themselves. Have you ever met an athiest who is cool with you NOT being one? I have not. So using that logic I've come to the conclusion that everyone who is pro-choice hates children and secretly wishes they were all dead. Am I wrong?