DENNIS MILLER

So I spent the weekend in Louisville with my cousins JoeCool, Ssssteve, and Pinhead. Every time I hang out with those guys I get homesick. Guess that's better than getting arrested... Probably everyone already knows this, but we were watching some show and Dennis Miller was commenting and actually making sense. I guess every since 9-11 he has become somewhat of a conservative. I've always thought he was funny and loved his old weekend update thing. Anyway, I've been reading quotes all day and laughing til my face hurts. Thought I'd share my top five that I can post for a family audience (yes both of you). Ladies and gentlemen...Dennis Miller

5."Online search engine leader Google has unveiled a new feature that will enable its users to zoom in on homes and businesses using satellite images. It's really the perfect service for the stalker or terrorist on a budget."

4."Britney Spears announced on her website this week that she and husband Kevin Federline are expecting a child. . .Spears says she hopes that the baby is just like Federline, except a lot less dependent on her."

3."There's no doubt about it, show business lures the people who didn't get enough love, attention, or approval early in life and have grown up to become bottomless, gaping vessels of terrifying, abject need. Please laugh."

2."On Tuesday, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales urged lawmakers to make permanent all 15 expiring provisions of the Patriot Act. Gonzalez claims that the government has never used the Patriot Act's power of secret warrants to obtain library, bookstore, medical, or gun store records. So if you're a terrorist bookworm with colon polyps who loves AK-47's, this is your day."

1."Hey folks, let's cut to the chase on illegal immigration. A recent study shows that the number of illegal immigrants in this country jumped to 11 million over the past few years, which basically means if our nation's borders were any more violated, they'd be guests at Neverland Ranch."

Kinda gives me hope for Norm Macdonald...